Journal Entry: Sun Jul 26, 2015, 1:42 AM
Previous, I described my coming out early into the my sophomore year in High School. Also, it was a new school, and I had a new outlook in life were I didn't care what people thought of me. Caught up?
My first girlfriend was actually a friend of my sisters, but in an odd twist. See there was this girl named Stacey. She was in MY grade, and in fact she was in MY homeroom and was in several of MY classes. She sat right beside me in homeroom. No lie, her last name was close to mine, so she generally always was near me. But I didn't start talking to her until Stacey pieced together that I was Jessica's older sister. Stacey had two elective classes with my sister, since Jessica was a grade lower than us, and they somehow hit it off. So when Stacey realized I was her sister, and that I was in a bunch of classes with her, she decided to become friendly with me too.
Looking back, Stacey was more into Jessica than she was me, but not in a lesbian sense. Stacey had this weird mentality where if she liked you, she wanted to be all in. She liked Jessica, so she wanted to make good with me. If she hung out with me, chances were that she'd get to hang out with Jessica. So that's what she did. I'm not saying that she didn't like me and we didn't genuinely have a connection, but at that moment I was a link to Jessica. I never met anyone like that before, and I'm not sure if I've met anyone like that since.
As the school year went on, Jessica was making friends with other students her age, so Stacey was using me more often than not as an excuse to come over to our house to hang out. When I came out, she was one of the ones that was super supportive (along with Beth). Like most baby-dykes, my coming out was a bit freeing. So for a time, all I could talk about was girls and being a lesbian, which Stacey had to adapt to my "new interest". Soon she was talking about that stuff too and even didn't mind it when I play flirted with her.
One day she came over to the house to hang out. I remember this vividly, because it was just... odd. The sun was setting, and we were outside just sitting in some lawn chair shooting the breeze. She asked me if I liked her, and I said I thought I might. Basically she was the only girl giving me attention, so I was crushing on her. So she said "We should go out." in a voice that was a bit like settling a transition. It was odd, but I took what I could.
I grabbed her hand and went inside and happily told my Mom and sister about us. They were less than thrilled. At the time I thought they were just unmoved because it was a lesbian thing. But Jessica told me later that she knew it was a disaster the second I told her because she knew Stacey wasn't gay. My Mom said that "I don't think dating her is wise. She's your friend and I don't really think she likes you like that." But I was 16 and I wanted a girlfriend. I ignored what they had to say and decided to accept Stacey as my girlfriend.
Everything continued how it had been for the first week, The most we did was hold hand and cuddle. She also was the first person to get me drunk. (To summarize, her mom was having a birthday party and there was those hotel mini-sized bottles of Brandy out. I made believed that I was going to drink it, and Stacey said "You won't do it." So I naturally I did.... in one gulp. That was a mistake. After choking from the burning in my throat, 10 minutes later I went to sleep on her bed. That's when I learned I can't hold my liquor. ANYWAY, I digress...) After some time, I was sort of wanting more, but the thing about me is when I'm in romance-mode, I revert back to my natural shy self. So I wasn't making any moves, I was sort of waiting for her too. But she basically "converted" for me, so she was waiting for ME too.
This went on into the next week. Finally, that weekend, we went to this public park that had a nature trail. Once again it was sunset and we only were there because Jessica wanted to go with the guy she was crushing on. We were over this small bridge and Stacey looked at me and said "We should kiss." Like before, in a voice that was way to casual, not romantic at all. So we did. It was... really awkward. But I was excited because it was my first real kiss with a girl. So I kissed her again. I remember her always freezing like a statue, but allowing the kiss. Even when she kissed me afterwards, she'd freeze up. I was still fooling myself that she liked me as much as I was liking her. BUT really she was just going with the flow.
Things changed when our art class went on a field trip. I can't remember if it was the second week or the third week that we had been a couple. Needless to say it wasn't that long of a relationship. Stacey and I got along best when we were chummy with each other, but once affection took over, she kind of zoned out. I was blind to it, until the trip. She always was really flirty with this guy named Pete (one of those acoustic guitar fucks) in art class, and I secretly was jealous of that. But I didn't want to be one of those girls, so I put up with it. Turns out it wasn't me being paranoid. That trip he hung out with the two of us nearly the whole time. Then when Stacey and I separated to be with other friends for a while, she went with him. So by the end of the trip I was a sulking mess.
I decided to take a nap on the bus ride home. She was sitting next to me when I went to sleep. Something jolted me awake during the ride, and through my nearly closed eyes I glanced over to Stacey. She was leaning over the side of the seat and kissing Pete who was sitting on the other end of the aisle. That really hurt me. I mean, really really hurt. If that had happened later on in my life, my reaction would have been different. A public humiliation and dumping might have happened. But she was my first girlfriend, so I just pretended to still be asleep and tried not to cry.
When we arrived at school, Stacey took me home and was acting like everything was cool. But I knew what I saw. I watched them make out the whole rest of the trip. After she left, it took some time alone for me to come to terms with what happened. When she called the next night (as by then she realized I was giving her the cold shoulder) I told her I saw her kissing Pete. She told me she was sorry, that she didn't mean to do that. I told her that we should break up, not really wanting to actually go through with it. Then the most heart breaking thing happened; she sounded relieved. She told me "Yeah, I think we should. I thought could like girls, but I don't. I'm really sorry, I tried."
I was a bit of a mess for about two weeks after that. My first girlfriend, and she cheated on me, and was happy that I broke up with her. I wanted to be mad at her, but after we broke up I saw the signs my sister and Mom were talking about. Stacey never was into me. She just wanted to fit in. I forgave her once I got over myself. That and she felt so bad she was sucking up to me.
The weird thing was... we became really close friends after that. Kind of like how Jerry and Elaine became in Seinfeld. We hung out more than we used to, and talked to each other about nearly everything. She was my best friend for a long while (until Andie, the girl from the skinny-dipping story, came along). Until the end of High School we were pretty close. BUT she did use me to get close to Beth (the first girl in school who accepted me as a lesbian) the same way she did to get close to Jessica.
So, that was my first girlfriend. And first kiss from a girl. It's not all that romantic, sorry! But I learned a lot from her. She was my first taste of the horrors of dating a straight girl. And she prepared me for looking for genuine signs of attraction. So, there was a silver-lining, and all that. Next time... maybe I'll talk about my second girlfriend, aka my first love?
Listening to: White Light - Superfly
Reading: Fiona Five - Sailor Jane
Playing: Lego Batman 3, Dragon Age 3, Kingdom Hearts Remix
Eating: NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
Drinking: Dr. Thunder