Journal Entry: Sun Aug 30, 2015, 6:20 PM
Last journal I described how I got together with Jenn. It took getting through Amber and Drew, but in the end we finally got together. So after all that, after being friends all that time and going through the crap we went through in order to be together, how was the relationship?
It was fine.
No seriously, it was fine. One of the good things about being friends first is you don't have to go through all that song and dance in order to get to know someone. But at the same time, Jenn was my homie. So I'd say most of our relationship was us being friends while occasionally kissing and doing other couple things. There wasn't really an awkward transition to jumping from one to the other, it felt very casual. In a way that's a good thing. But it also was a bad thing.
If Jenn were to tell you the downside of our relationship, she'd say that I lacked passion. And I think it's a fair criticism. She was my girl, but she also was my buddy. And I think I treated her more like that than a girlfriend. Jenn was a bit the same way, but she definitely wanted more outta me, and to my credit I did make an effort. But a lot of the time I just went back to the default setting of our friendship, and she'd let me. I think that, combined with mostly seeing each other at school and not other settings, made our relationship stay in a friendzone with occasional sex.
We were like this for two years. We didn't really argue, we chilled and hung out a lot, but we really didn't get heated and passionate. There were moments to be sure, but they were always long stretches in-between those times. Towards the end, Jenn seemed to want to start arguments, just so we would break out of the routine we found ourselves in, but I was always too calm. She said I was too logical and had no passion, which wasn't really the case. I just knew her and knew how to calm her down.
When my sister was going to transfer to a different University that specialized in Animal Care, Jenn decided she was going to as well. She told me a few times that she wasn't going to break up with me and that we could have a long distance relationship. I nodded my head, but secretly I knew better. Once she'd be away, sooner or later she'd get tired of not having someone. She's the type of person that needs to be in a relationship. She's very dependent on other people to make her feel better. So to me, her going meant it was over. Oddly enough I wasn't as broken up about it as I could have been. I think it was because I had prepared myself for it when talks of going away started months before.
So Jenn goes with my sister to another uni, and I stay. One week later I get an email from her. She said that she met a guy and that she was starting to develop feelings for him and she was thinking about breaking up. It wasn't an outright break up, but it was. I remember I sat there for like five minutes more hurt that it took a week for this to happen over her dumping me. I knew she'd do this, but a week? So I responded with a polite version of "Do what you want, don't let me stand in your way."
So she dates this guy. Turned out he was a douche. Two to three weeks later she calls me and says that it was a mistake and that she wanted me back. I told her no. I said that if it only took her a week of being a part to decide to break up that I didn't want to deal with that. It was an agonizing phone call. For hours we were on the phone. She was crying and pouring her heart out. At first she started blaming me for nothing fighting for her, and not being passionate when we were together. Then she went back to apologizing and actually started begging. That was really hard. But I knew her. This would only happen again, and the next time I'd see her would be half a year later. So I had to stick to my guns.
Guess who was right again? A couple weeks later she's with another girl. When that didn't work out, she went out with another. My sister told me, as by this time they had switched dormmates to they could bunk together, so I got progress reports. She finally settled on a guy, which my sister said wasn't in her league, and is now married and has a kid with him. I'm not bitter, I'm happy for her. But we didn't stay friends this time. She did come back during one break, and we did fool around a bit, but both of us knew that was a one night thing only. Sadly, my sister kept interrupting, being a clam-jam. Ah, Jessica... she does that to me a lot. Anyway, besides that last meeting, that was it.
As for me, I didn't get completely destroyed like I did with Jenny. And I do think that Jenn was right about how our relationship didn't have any fire. I don't think she could blame it all on me, but it didn't hurt that at the time I was still keeping those walls up because of Jenny and how Amber really exploited me. Some of that would change, however, when I got re-united with an old friend and met a new girl.
But that's a story for later.
Listening to: Like A Cat - AOA
Reading: Fiona Five - Sailor Jane
Eating: Korean Food
Drinking: Cran-grape Juice